Good days and bad days

Life is mainly giving us good days, sunny and rainy happy together, open heart and head - life is great good days. These kind of days where the world is so large, so amazing, so ...it makes you breathless and quiet and overflowing with life.

The salt in the soup are the every now and then bad days. The days, where it is so hard to except, that there will be no mini us, because nature intended otherwise. These days I am grieving a loss of a life, a dream, a future; I am rolling in self pity for me and for him, because I know it would be so great if it would come true. But despite all the messages and test results we just can't give up hope yet and still sadness for what does not seem to be possible overwhelms me and I am rolling up into myself and hiding from the outside world and go mind and life travelling to distract myself.

These days belong to me as well as all the good days and the grief of these rare days make me so much happier the other days, when a spring in our step and the lifeforce can't be stopped by the struggles of allday life and irish rain clouds. I think, because I love the man next to me so much and I know that our life together is such a precious gift, I would love to give him this present of a future when he might has to go one day and for him to leave himself behind if our ways need to part. We are extensions of each other and are aware of each other as much as when we are apart as being together.

I am also grieving that what life has not intended for us separates us from a lot of close friends as we are not able to follow them on the joyful and stressful and often lamentend pathes of parenthood. There is no intention for this kind of separation on either side, but different outlooks, schedules and thoughts built invisible walls, that are getting harder to overcome.

I walk the ways of my selfpity and grief on these rare days, sometimes only hours. I explore them and sink into them, but then life takes over, joy welcomes me back and I look around me, my love, my home, my friends and family and life is just great.