Als ich gegen 7 von der Arbeit nach Hause komme, schlaeft mein Sohn schon.
Ich bin enttaeuscht, wollte ich doch so gerne von dem extra Morgen im Kindergarten hoeren, schliesslich war der Weihnachtsmann da, fuer den 2.5jaehrigen bewusst, das erst Mal.
Schade. Stattdessen beginne ich fuer den Besuch, der morgen kommt und fuer ein paar Tage bleibt, klar Schiff zu machen.
Waren diesen Ecken schon lange so schmutzig? Ich kann kein Ende finde, raeume, putze, sortiere...
Soviel zu tun.
Als der kleine dann um 10.30 im Tuerrahmen auftaucht und nach Fruehstueck verlangt, schwanke ich zwischen Verzweifelung (er sollte doch schlafen) und Freude (jetzt wird erzaehlt).
Er freut sich riesig mich zu sehen und ich habe mal wieder ein schlechtes Gewissen, um meiner langen Arbeitstage. ' Mami, I am so happy you are home '. Er ist nicht ins Bett zurueck zu bewegen. So setzte ich ihn dann mit einem Glas Milch an den Tisch und waehrend ich weiter die Kueche aufraeume und Waesche aufhaenge erzaehlt er mit begeistert vom Weihnachtsmann und noch mehr begeistert von Micky Maus, die dem Weihnachtsmann half (Irland mal wieder). Ich schmunzele vor mich hin und rege ihn mit Fragen zum Weitererzaehlen an.
Ploetzlich schaut er auf und sagt: Ich will auch Waesche aufhaengen. Na gut, so bekommt jedes Waeschestueck noch ein dritte Klammer und auf den Knopf der Maschine darf er auch druecken.
Mama nun mir helfen, verlangt er dann. Wobei denn? frage ich nach. Beim Puzzlen. Ach herrje, mittlerweile is es kurz nach 11. Na gut. Also puzzlen wir, erzaehlen, kuscheln. Endlich bekomme ich ihn zurueck ins Bett, lese noch eine Geschichte vor und schlafe in seiner Umarmung neben ihm ein. Kurz nach 5 morgen krieche ich dann endlich in mein eigenes Bett, neben meinen Mann, der spaet von der Arbeit zurueck kam.
All dies entgegen jeden Ratschlaegen aus Erziehungsratgebern und doch war es so richtig. Ein glueckliches Kind, eine glueckliche Mama und ich weiss ja, dass er morgens schlafen kann, solange er will.
Follow the flow, keep Zen (sane)
Friday, December 11, 2015
Friday, December 4, 2015
Wednesday, December 2, 2015
Freedom vs Freedom
Man kann natuerlich das Handtuch werfen und sich aus dem Staub machen,
Man kann aber auch sich hinsetzen neu entwerfen, umaendern, neu bauen.
Beziehungen sind ein bisschen wie Bauprojekten:
Ja, manchmal muss man abreissen,
aber meisten braucht man nur etwas kreativ zu sein, und das was als Zwang und zu wenig Raum dastand, aendert sich in etwas neues, schoenes, sehr persoenliches.
Aber dazu gehoert Liebe zum Projekt, den Willen Unannehmlichkeiten in Kauf zu nehmen, Vorstellungskraft und vor allem viel Tatendrang.
Wenn man nichts macht, passiert auch nicht. Anfangen, nachdenken, loslegen.
Etwas zu tun, heisst aber nicht alles ueber den Haufen schmeissen oder abreissen zu muessen.
Wenn es was wert ist und war, hat es eine gesunde und standfeste Struktur, von der man starten kann, auf die man bauen kann. Vorstellungkraft und Energie, Teamfaehigkeit und Respekt.
Man kann aber auch sich hinsetzen neu entwerfen, umaendern, neu bauen.
Beziehungen sind ein bisschen wie Bauprojekten:
Ja, manchmal muss man abreissen,
aber meisten braucht man nur etwas kreativ zu sein, und das was als Zwang und zu wenig Raum dastand, aendert sich in etwas neues, schoenes, sehr persoenliches.
Aber dazu gehoert Liebe zum Projekt, den Willen Unannehmlichkeiten in Kauf zu nehmen, Vorstellungskraft und vor allem viel Tatendrang.
Wenn man nichts macht, passiert auch nicht. Anfangen, nachdenken, loslegen.
Etwas zu tun, heisst aber nicht alles ueber den Haufen schmeissen oder abreissen zu muessen.
Wenn es was wert ist und war, hat es eine gesunde und standfeste Struktur, von der man starten kann, auf die man bauen kann. Vorstellungkraft und Energie, Teamfaehigkeit und Respekt.
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
Missing you
Brothers
Grounded on rock,
guided by light.
Roots going deep within.
Subtle strength growing up and beyond,
branches bending in seaside storms
woven together, not breaking.
Shelter and shadows and sparkling light.
Woven together and holding tight
founded on rock and standing wide
with the crowns moving free in the wind.
Grounded on rock,
guided by light.
Roots going deep within.
Subtle strength growing up and beyond,
branches bending in seaside storms
woven together, not breaking.
Shelter and shadows and sparkling light.
Woven together and holding tight
founded on rock and standing wide
with the crowns moving free in the wind.
Struggles
Reading the recent post of a mother struggeling to combine family and work life and the adjustments she made to make it work, I was struck with jealousy, stupid simple jealousy.
Every fibre of my being was screaming: Me too.
This past year has been the toughest yet on our family, relationship and my decision to stay.
We are working 7 days a week while swapping childminding duties. Working on different rotas caused the absence of one or the other parent in the household. To get to spend time together as a family became the biggest treasure. A gem so rare. Any spare minute is given to us as a family, to give our son parent time.
The place is starting to look like a bomb hit it and then it is more important to play or talk then clean and DIY. But I have to admit I don't like this side of it. Working all day to make other peoples houses look balanced, calm, organised, stunning, .... I come home to a home that is missing my personal touch.
But laughter and hugs are welcoming me and I push my ambitions back and embrace the love and stormy energy.
To keep us together as a couple is hard to. Regular dates. God, if I could find the time to just watch one movie every two weeks, or even an episode of something or just to sit down and talk for an hour about things that have nothing to do with household and organisation, but with us and dreams and hopes and plans or just to laugh and be giddy and silly. It has become to rare.
Change things. Ah well, I am trying and have made steps forward, but given the nature of us, I am the main provider in the family and only now I understand the pressure a lot of men feel when the woman decides to stay at home. The pressure of keeping a roof over the head, food on the table, to set back crazy selfish plans to ensure the basics are retained.
Leaving the house at seven to be back at 6.30, to then play and listen, read and bring to bed, to hug and ensure, to love, just to pick up at 8.30 again for another 2-3h on the business marketing, accouting, advertising, it is starting to take its toll despite loving the actual activities. Hardly an evening going to bed before midnight, no time for relaxations, a bit of sport or just leisurely doing bits and pieces, it is starting to make us hard, unforgiven, angry, sad, lonely....
And behind all that, the thoughts of not doing the best job being a mum, by not being the person most at home. my man is doing an amazing job, but despite our decision to break out of the standard family model for uncountable unchangeable reasons, there is my biological ? programming nagging me. Wouldn't it be nice to have another child. Am I crazy? Hardly coping as it is?
And sometimes I am praying with every fibre of my heart for the possibility to make small adjustments and make it all work with light and easiness.
Are we doing this right?
Things are improving so, I have taken the right steps to be able to make changes, financial pressure is reducing and hopefully by beginning of next year the schedule will balance and family work love life as well.
I just hope we were able to stay close enough and strong enough to have weathered this rough sea with as little as damage possible and with the feeling: "Yooha, what a rollercoaster, god we are so alive and strong and full of love for the people who were by our side going through this adventure."
Not given up on us, you, me, but fighting hard.
If you fight there is fire and energy left.
Every fibre of my being was screaming: Me too.
This past year has been the toughest yet on our family, relationship and my decision to stay.
We are working 7 days a week while swapping childminding duties. Working on different rotas caused the absence of one or the other parent in the household. To get to spend time together as a family became the biggest treasure. A gem so rare. Any spare minute is given to us as a family, to give our son parent time.
The place is starting to look like a bomb hit it and then it is more important to play or talk then clean and DIY. But I have to admit I don't like this side of it. Working all day to make other peoples houses look balanced, calm, organised, stunning, .... I come home to a home that is missing my personal touch.
But laughter and hugs are welcoming me and I push my ambitions back and embrace the love and stormy energy.
To keep us together as a couple is hard to. Regular dates. God, if I could find the time to just watch one movie every two weeks, or even an episode of something or just to sit down and talk for an hour about things that have nothing to do with household and organisation, but with us and dreams and hopes and plans or just to laugh and be giddy and silly. It has become to rare.
Change things. Ah well, I am trying and have made steps forward, but given the nature of us, I am the main provider in the family and only now I understand the pressure a lot of men feel when the woman decides to stay at home. The pressure of keeping a roof over the head, food on the table, to set back crazy selfish plans to ensure the basics are retained.
Leaving the house at seven to be back at 6.30, to then play and listen, read and bring to bed, to hug and ensure, to love, just to pick up at 8.30 again for another 2-3h on the business marketing, accouting, advertising, it is starting to take its toll despite loving the actual activities. Hardly an evening going to bed before midnight, no time for relaxations, a bit of sport or just leisurely doing bits and pieces, it is starting to make us hard, unforgiven, angry, sad, lonely....
And behind all that, the thoughts of not doing the best job being a mum, by not being the person most at home. my man is doing an amazing job, but despite our decision to break out of the standard family model for uncountable unchangeable reasons, there is my biological ? programming nagging me. Wouldn't it be nice to have another child. Am I crazy? Hardly coping as it is?
And sometimes I am praying with every fibre of my heart for the possibility to make small adjustments and make it all work with light and easiness.
Are we doing this right?
Things are improving so, I have taken the right steps to be able to make changes, financial pressure is reducing and hopefully by beginning of next year the schedule will balance and family work love life as well.
I just hope we were able to stay close enough and strong enough to have weathered this rough sea with as little as damage possible and with the feeling: "Yooha, what a rollercoaster, god we are so alive and strong and full of love for the people who were by our side going through this adventure."
Not given up on us, you, me, but fighting hard.
If you fight there is fire and energy left.
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