Struggles

Reading the recent post of a mother struggeling to combine family and work life and the adjustments she made to make it work, I was struck with jealousy, stupid simple jealousy.
Every fibre of my being was screaming: Me too.

This past year has been the toughest yet on our family, relationship and my decision to stay.

We are working 7 days a week while swapping childminding duties. Working on different rotas caused the absence of one or the other parent in the household. To get to spend time together as a family became the biggest treasure. A gem so rare. Any spare minute is given to us as a family, to give our son parent time.

The place is starting to look like a bomb hit it and then it is more important to play or talk then clean and DIY. But I have to admit I don't like this side of it. Working all day to make other peoples houses look balanced, calm, organised, stunning, .... I come home to a home that is missing my personal touch.
But laughter and hugs are welcoming me and I push my ambitions back and embrace the love and stormy energy.

To keep us together as a couple is hard to. Regular dates. God, if I could find the time to just watch one movie every two weeks, or even an episode of something or just to sit down and talk for an hour about things that have nothing to do with household and organisation, but with us and dreams and hopes and plans or just to laugh and be giddy and silly. It has become to rare.

Change things. Ah well, I am trying and have made steps forward, but given the nature of us, I am the main provider in the family and only now I understand the pressure a lot of men feel when the woman decides to stay at home. The pressure of keeping a roof over the head, food on the table, to set back crazy selfish plans to ensure the basics are retained.

Leaving the house at seven to be back at 6.30, to then play and listen, read and bring to bed, to hug and ensure, to love, just to pick up at 8.30 again for another 2-3h on the business marketing, accouting, advertising, it is starting to take its toll despite loving the actual activities. Hardly an evening going to bed before midnight, no time for relaxations, a bit of sport or just leisurely doing bits and pieces, it is starting to make us hard, unforgiven, angry, sad, lonely....

And behind all that, the thoughts of not doing the best job being a mum, by not being the person most at home. my man is doing an amazing job, but despite our decision to break out of the standard family model for uncountable unchangeable reasons, there is my biological ? programming nagging me. Wouldn't it be nice to have another child. Am I crazy? Hardly coping as it is?
And sometimes I am praying with every fibre of my heart for the possibility to make small adjustments and make it all work with light and easiness.

Are we doing this right?

Things are improving so, I have taken the right steps to be able to make changes, financial pressure is reducing and hopefully by beginning of next year the schedule will balance and family work love life as well.

I just hope we were able to stay close enough and strong enough to have weathered this rough sea with as little as damage possible and with the feeling: "Yooha, what a rollercoaster, god we are so alive and strong and full of love for the people who were by our side going through this adventure."

Not given up on us,  you, me, but fighting hard.

If you fight there is fire and energy left.